That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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