Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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