No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
