If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
