I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
worst night to have a conscience
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
