mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
