Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
