if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
