You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
