Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
