fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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