the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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