I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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