What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
