Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
