My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
