And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
