when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
