apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
operation have a gay friend backfired
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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