ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
