Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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