tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
