Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
