So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
