The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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