My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
