You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
