I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
