New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
