I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
