what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
im having a threesome with these popsicles
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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