Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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