I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
