Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Vodka?
Forever.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
