I faked an abortion last night.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
