U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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