Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
