just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
