im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
