The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
