He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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