my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
