new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
