I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
