this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
