I want to stick my p in your. b.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
