Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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