Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
