just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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