My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
