this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
