had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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