I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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