Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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