She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
