Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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