I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
