I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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