I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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