i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i drank out of a bidet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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