i love accidental penises.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
