This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
