I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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