I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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