dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Randomize
